So with this past weekend's events, I've been left a little shaken AND stirred in a lot of different ways. And all of them good. I truly believe any experience that causes you to think and learn is a good one. And I'm surely thinking and learning about myself the past few days, yessirreebob. I had a friend (B) over last night. He and I had been dating for a couple of months but I recently decided we were better suited to be friends. He wanted to take me out to congratulate me on my new job but I had so many around-the-house chores to take care of that I asked if we could order in and catch up while I did laundry and putzed around. Being out of it last weekend, gone this coming one at a softball tournament and then starting the new job on Tuesday, life is piling up all around me... YIPES!But, as usual, I digress...So I told B about Carmelo and the whole weekend...in great detail as I have with a few of you (Bunky, Dminmem, BigSir, Stack, Rev. Brown, etc. Syn and Moby, I owe you a deep-dive (heh....that's funny) so you'll get yours in the end (I kill me!)). He was a bit taken aback and amazed but also a little jealous. And of course, he agreed like everyone has how fucking cute C is. Because he is. I mean, sure, I'm biased a teensy bit, but... whatever.And we talked about the emotional pitfalls of a situation like this. And he made the same very valid points everyone makes. I get them. But me and a friend were talking yesterday and I repeated a question to him that I've posed to most of you about this and then he quite clearly made a wonderful point as to why that question carries validity.The situation is that me and Carmelo live a GREAT distance apart. Very true. The odds of this "working out" (whether that means a torrid global love affair for a few months/visits or even something greater) are not stacked in our favor. BUT, the question is, "why not?" Just because he lives in Italy and I am in the US, "why can't it happen?" I'm not saying it will, but why do we have to accept that the current geographical circumstance will be the permanent one?So then the point is made to me yesterday in a conversation with my friend Auntie P as to why this question becomes valid. I live in a major metropolitan city which is definitely skewed in my favor with the concentration of gay men who also live here. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a fag. Seriously. And here is where I may lose you based upon your philosophy of love and "the one". I am not entirely sure how I feel about "the one" concept. I think likely there are two, maybe three people in the world living at this time that are BEST suited to be my partner in life. I think what makes one of them become "the one" are things like chance, timing, location, attraction, etc. Factors... But given all that chance I do think the universe pushes us in directions, helps to guide us in the right direction. Sometimes it is quite subtle (or maybe we just aren't listening) and sometimes it is as subtle as a bull in a china shop. All this said, just because I'm in a large gay area, why does that mean that one of these two to three people is living here in San Francisco at this very moment and that I will meet him? Sure, the odds are better that I find someone to share my life with here as opposed if I were living back in Alabama. But do you take the bet just because the odds go from 1,000,000:1 to 500,000:1? True, your odds just doubled but, as my ex used to say, "the odds are good, but the goods are odd." So who is to say that one of those few people doesn't right now live in Rome and at this very moment is not vacationing beach-side in the Milazzo area of Sicily, telling his sister all about me and our adventure thus far? Who's to say that the universe didn't push me into that random bar that I NEVER go in last Thursday? Who's to say it didn't also push him into that same bar (which is decidedly NOT a tourist attraction bar!) a mere few hours after he put foot on SF soil for the first time in his life so that we could meet? Who's to say I'm not listening?
All I can really say is that I for one am tired of asking "why". It's about time I start asking "why not?"
To those of you who have voiced some concern over my being careful with my emotions in this situation - I do appreciate it. But just know that although this all does sound very Nora Ephron-esque, I am listening VERY intently. This situation could be about me finding my life partner or it could be about mending and teaching my heart. But in the end, whether I take an Italian lover or I walk away having learned something about myself that I didn't know before...and I walk away with a heart more open and more capable of true love than it ever has been before, do I really lose?"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
-Gandhi
Labels: auntie p, awesome, bello, big sir, bunky, change, chaos, dating, dminmem, fun, happy, interesting, love, progress, rev brown, san fran, softball
