Malodorous Morning, Take 2
For those of you who have been long-standing fans of GB, you may have previously read one of my personal fav posts - Malodorous Morning (<-- link). It was a little ditty about my morning commute and a stinky little fucker in the NY/NJ area.
So as evidenced by my posting of a great picture of Olivia [Fig] Newton John today, I have once again begun my quest in the gym. And it only took to Day 2 to remember that foul smells can be found just about anywhere you find yourself. Including the gym.
Imagine for me, if you will, the basic motion you make when you're atop an elliptical machine and you've got an ambitious elevation going: your legs are moving kinda forward, kinda backward, kinda up, kinda down. Your hip flexors are involved and so is your junk in the trunk. Now I'm guessing that for most of us, our biscuits are jiggling, at least a little (with the exception of Flaky's (<-- link), which I'm told is perfectly honed due to an innumerable amount of lunges). So suffice it to say, you combine all the motion and you've got a little air circulation happening in and around your grocery-hole.
Now don't get me wrong, I like basic hygiene. But I also don't mind a masculine man who is sweaty from some honest-to-God manual labor (no, squats on the Smith Machine don't count, girls!).
There was a dude about 4 machines down from me this morning who should have: 1) found and used the emergency stop button; 2) run, not walked, to the locker room; and 3) wiped his ASS. There were smells emanating from his direction every so often that smelled worse than any freshly-pooped newborn's diaper (and I'm talking formula, not breast milk) or any just-dropped catbox bomb. It was rancid.
If you're having gas THAT bad, or lack the control over what most would consider any other basic bodily functions, I've got a suggestion for you:
DON'T COME TO MY MOTHERFUCKING GYM
So as evidenced by my posting of a great picture of Olivia [Fig] Newton John today, I have once again begun my quest in the gym. And it only took to Day 2 to remember that foul smells can be found just about anywhere you find yourself. Including the gym.
Imagine for me, if you will, the basic motion you make when you're atop an elliptical machine and you've got an ambitious elevation going: your legs are moving kinda forward, kinda backward, kinda up, kinda down. Your hip flexors are involved and so is your junk in the trunk. Now I'm guessing that for most of us, our biscuits are jiggling, at least a little (with the exception of Flaky's (<-- link), which I'm told is perfectly honed due to an innumerable amount of lunges). So suffice it to say, you combine all the motion and you've got a little air circulation happening in and around your grocery-hole.
Now don't get me wrong, I like basic hygiene. But I also don't mind a masculine man who is sweaty from some honest-to-God manual labor (no, squats on the Smith Machine don't count, girls!).
There was a dude about 4 machines down from me this morning who should have: 1) found and used the emergency stop button; 2) run, not walked, to the locker room; and 3) wiped his ASS. There were smells emanating from his direction every so often that smelled worse than any freshly-pooped newborn's diaper (and I'm talking formula, not breast milk) or any just-dropped catbox bomb. It was rancid.
If you're having gas THAT bad, or lack the control over what most would consider any other basic bodily functions, I've got a suggestion for you:
DON'T COME TO MY MOTHERFUCKING GYM
posted by Gina Bruce at 20:02
3 Comments:
Wow, you've already claimed the gym as yours, huh? No good deed goes unpunished...sorry you had to smell a rancid butthole while you worked out.
Oh, and yes, you CAN bounce a quarter off of it. ;)
-FB
What a great start to a day. Every day I go into my suite of offices and smell - in the words of Meryn Cadell - ape-scent gloriola. College kids don't understand the concept of showers during finals week.
Dirty hair, bar, and sex. Yum! I don't know if that's worse than a grocery-hole draft, but it's got to be a close second.
As always,
Aunt Phetamine
Reminds me of the time I was in the shower and some A-hole decided to come in the locker room and take a huge, stinky dump in the stall across from me.
Hates it!
d
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